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Post by parrigan on Feb 26, 2015 2:13:43 GMT
Part the 1st:
Me Grumpy, me made kronk-or for teem. We por. We play uder orcs tuday. I tell yu afta if we winz. By. |
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Post by parrigan on Feb 26, 2015 3:04:58 GMT
Part the 2nd:
Purple Doom Skull team chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Gah! Was I really that stupid? Last week's report was a travesty. My head really hurts, but I think this cracked skull was the best thing that ever happened to me. Shook up the old noggin a bit, and now look! I can spell and write complete sentences. I only wish I wasn't still on the team...
Purple Doom Skull 1 - 1 'Dem Greenskins So, before we get into this week's report, here's a quick follow-up to last week's gem: Purple Doom Skull achieved a 1-1 draw in their inaugural match, which of course was against 'Dem Greenskins. As mentioned earlier, yours truly took quite the hit to the head, and the match overall quickly devolved to a bunch of pushing and punching - pretty standard orcs stuff. Afterwards, because team owners put themselves so deep in debt just to field 11 players, First Big Orc Bank put a lien on their earnings and Purple Doom Skull walked away with no earnings. As I mentioned in the previous match, this team is poor... This poverty is the primary reason they began their season facing two other orc teams: no travel money. None.
Purple Doom Skull 2 - 0 Green Mean Machinez On to this week's match report. PDS had a much better time of it in their second crack at their orcish brethren. And I got the match off due to my broken head. The match opened with Green Mean Machinez receiving, and things quicky went against the Machinez. Early on one of their filthy goblins tried to put a boot the head of one of our noble black orcs, but the ref was having none of that and Donk "Sneaky Baztard" Jonz was promptly sent from the pitch. The wronged black orc, ironically named Stomper, answered this injustice by jumping up and knocking down the Machinez ball carrier. Both team swarmed the loose ball, and Purple team "leader" Johnny Doom conveniently slipped and decided to take a nap on the sideline for the remainder of the match. (I think he saw what happened to me last week and decided to avoid another orc-off.) The next several turns saw lots of pushing, punching, dodging, and fumbling, until finally PDS blitzer Rockjaw was able to break away with the ball and score. The Machinez nearly equalized at the end of the first half, but proved at the last moment why orcs are not known for their passing game.
The second half was more of the same. Pushing, shoving, punching, and fumbling. Oww... this writing hurts my head. Purple Doom Skull scored again. Da end.
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Post by parrigan on Mar 5, 2015 4:55:56 GMT
Part the 3rd:
Purple Doom Skull chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Howlin' Prowlers 2 - 0 Purple Doom Skull Now do you see why I want to retire? This game just isn't safe for an intellectual orc such as myself. I should be writing treatises and poetry, not getting my head konked repeatedly on a Blood Bowl pitch. And I swear if I never see another werewolf again it will be too soon. Right now Skullykins and the other Black Orcs are on their way to pay a friendly visit to the team armorer, which will probably result in the armorer being lunch. If we had a team apothecary, he would probably be getting roasted on a spit now, too. Probably not the best recruiting pitch for when the team buys one this week, eh?
On to the match: this one got ugly fast, and stayed ugly. Rusty armor was the tale of the game. By the end of the first half one orc blitzer had broken ribs and another lay dead on the pitch, while several of their teammates, including yours truly, had their bells rung and were languishing on the sidelines. That the score remained 0-0 after this debacle was a minor miracle in itself. But the Prowlers took care of that quickly in the 2nd half by scoring in turn 11, then taking the ball away from their depleted foes and scoring again in turn 16.
Not much else to say, except that my head still hurts, and roast armorer is actually pretty tasty. You should really try it.
Da end. |
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Post by parrigan on Mar 16, 2015 2:08:57 GMT
Part the 4th:
Erstwhile Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Purple Doom Skull 2 - 1 Hiss
Who were those two lineorcs? Never seen 'em before, never see 'em again. They took a good beating, and left the pitch smelling of lizard musk.
Our cheap owners finally sprung for an apothecary, and wouldn't you know it? We didn't need him. That idiot troll Eet Yoo went down briefly, but the lizards forgot to use fire on him, so he stood right back up again and was in for the next drive. The healer wouldn't have been wasted on that great lump of stupid anyway. But don't tell him I said that.
The match itself was a pretty good one. PDS won the toss and chose to receive, but Johnny Doom was a little rusty to start, failing to pick up the ball in his first attempt. Skinks began invading the backfield, but the Hiss mercenary "tripped" and subsequently spent the rest of the half on the sideline. (I don't know what they paid him, but they should demand their money back.) A melee at midfield ended with Johnny Doom plodding his way downfield with the ball, harried by a pack of skinks. Finally JD was forced to dodge away from a pair of little lizards for the score. At halftime Coach Parrigan gave a brief speech, directed at the orc thrower/captain: "You're an orc, Johnny. Orcs don't dodge." Johnny nodded sagely, but his eyes were suspiciously vacant.
The second half began with the lizards receiving, and after nearly getting pinned against one sideline by their opponents, the slippery little skinks dodged around a host of green legs and into the clear. Those slow green legs came in pursuit, but it was no use: In turn 12 the lizards scored to tie the game 1-1. The ensuing kick was spectacular, pinning Johnny in the back corner of his own end zone. He carried the ball out as far as possible, with a fleet of skinks bearing down on him, and somehow managed to complete a deep pass to blitzer Mista Grinz downfield. One desperate but failed skink blitz later, MG broke free on a blitz of his own and scored.
After the match, Coach Parrigan was heard to say to Johnny, "You're an orc. Orcs don't pass." Johnny nodded sagely, eyes still vacant. In his defense, he didn't attempt another dodge.
Side note: Purple Doom Skull won 80k gold in the match, ending their curse of poverty. But rumor has it hiring a new blitzer is going to cost them 80k. Such is life as the poorest orc team in the league...
Da end.
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Post by Insidious on Mar 16, 2015 9:36:24 GMT
"Skud here, chucka for Grummsh's Glaives,orcs can chuck da ball and as long as you do it in an orcy way then it's fine. We are not bloody salads."
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Post by parrigan on Mar 21, 2015 17:11:47 GMT
Part the 5th:
MVP Laureate Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Purple Doom Skull 1 - 0 Trucido
It seems the fan have been reading my match reports and can appreciate an orc capabale of elucidating a few thoughts in print. I spent the entire match getting knocked over by chaos warriors, so it certainly wasn't my play on the pitch that earned me this MVP. I'd like to thanks all the little orcs, and my parents, who unfortunately will never have the brains to read this. Perhaps if I cracked their skulls...?
On to the match. An appropriate description for this one would be Brawl, with a capital B. I suppose we should expect no less when orcs and chaos square off. Purple Doom Skull to the opening kick deep in their backfield and Johnny Doom slowly began plodding his way toward mid-pitch. An ugly pushing match ensued for the next several turns, highlighted by Mista Grinz knocking out a beastman or two (he spent a lot of time in the gym this week, and decided he needed to flex those muscles). Later in the half Knucklhead the black orc was injured, and Johnny Doom lost the ball as his pocket collapsed. The chaos team picked up the ball and broke away in an attempt at a second half score, but a desperate blitz popped the ball loose and sent it into the crowd. Apparently the crowd was more impressed with brawling than scoring, since they tossed it where no one could score in the final seconds of the half.
The second half opened with Trucido receiving, and it quickly devolved into another brawl, this time with the chaos team trying to push past midfield. Lots of pushing ensued, highlighted by Eet Yoo the troll sending a beastman to the medic, effectively ending the poor fellow's day. The chaos crew attempted a breakaway pass, but the intended target couldn't hold on to it, and Purple Doom Skull swarmed (in that slow, deliberate way that is all orcs know). Johnny Doom got his hands on the ball, and this time didn't let go. The orcs pushed toward the end zone, doing their best to screen, but in the end it came down to a last second black orc blitz to free Johnny for the score.
After the match, Johnny noted with satisfaction, "Dyoo see dat? Didna throw, didna dodge. Me learn good, huh coach?" Yes indeed, Johnny. You learned good. But will he remember those lessons next week? We shall see.
Coach Parrigan also noted with satisfaction the 60k in winnings sitting in the team vault. "Doesn't seem like much, I know. But that's like a million gold for most orc teams."
This is MVP Laureate Grumpy signing off.
Da end.
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Post by parrigan on Mar 31, 2015 12:07:16 GMT
Part the 6th:
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Purple Doom Skull 1 - 1 Supersonic Swifts
Well, my bell must have really been rung in this one; I can't remember a thing... But apparently it was a good one. We didn't win, but we didn't lose, and nobody died. I guess we should count the match a success.
When asked about the game, it was apparent Coach Parrigan had his bell rung too. "You know, I can't remember anything either." He looked around the locker room. "Far as I can tell, no one remembers. I think those rats musta filled our bus with rat-gas."
When asked, Johnny Doom shrugged: "I didna dodge, I didna trow. Just like Coach tetched me." It's possible Johnny remembers the match, but that's all he'll say.
Da end.
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Post by parrigan on Apr 5, 2015 2:06:53 GMT
Part the 7th:
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Platinum Badgers 1 - 0 Purple Doom Skull
I'm never getting off this team. Also, I hate dwarves. They killed Stomper, but I won't miss him: an entire regular season in the books and he never learned a single thing. Speaking of not learning, boy did Johnny tick off Coach this week. They could hear the shouting all the way down the hall in the Badger locker room. Most of it isn't fit to print, but the gist goes something like this (expletives deleted):
Coach P, shrieking: Didn't I tell you no passing, Johnny? Didn't I tell you no dodging? And what did you do?
Johnny D, sullen: Trow. Dodge.
CP: Did you notice what your teammates were trying to do?
JD: Nuh.
CP: They were trying to PASS!!! And DODGE!!!
JD: Yuh.
CP: And why do you think they were doing that?
JD: Dunno. Cuz?
CP: They saw you do it. And sad as it may be, you're their leader out there. The field general. They follow your lead.
JD: Uh.
CP: Yes. Uh. I'd tell you to think about what I've said, but that may be too much to ask.
The conversation went downhill from there. In fairness to Johnny, the dwarves were clearly taking PEDs prior to the match, else they wouldn't have been breaking our armor with such ease. Typical dwarf behavior, why can't they be honorable like orcs?
On to the recap: PDS received to start, but the death of Stomper early in the first half and the aforementioned paper armor forced Johnny and the rest of the boys to take too many risks. Eventually they got the ball taken away after exposing PDS blitzer/ball carrier Murderator in a desperate attempt to get in range of the end zone before time expired. A turn 8 attempt by Murderator to pass to yours truly for the score failed. I would have caught it, no doubt, but Murderator fumbled the ball. Orcs don't pass.
The second half was little better. Though it started with a blitz on the kickoff and it looked like PDS might be able to steal the score, things turned quickly and it became a slow dwarf plod (is there any other kind?) to a turn 15 score. The orcs gamely harried the Badgers the length of the pitch, employing entirely too many dodges to do so. Following the ensuing kickoff, Johnny tried one more desperation pass to achieve the draw, but somehow the ball came down in the hands of Badger blitzer Shodli. Again, orcs don't pass.
Anyway, yes, it appears I'll be trotting out to the pitch for some time yet, as the team is still strapped for cash. There are rumors of replacing Stomper, or perhaps investing in some team training, but no rumors of a fresh lineorc, one who is stupid enough to enjoy being pounded into the astrogranite on a regular basis. So I suppose I'll have to keep playing. At least the season is over, and I get some well-deserved rest. My head really hurts after this one.
Now they just announced we've qualified for the playoffs... You mean we have to do this again next week!!??
Sigh. Not da end.
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Post by parrigan on Apr 18, 2015 18:43:06 GMT
Part the 8th:
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting from sunny Orcington Beach.
Baltimork 2 - 1 Purple Doom Skull
I'll be honest: I don't remember much about the action and I don't much care. I survived the season, and now I'm enjoying my offseason on the beach, sipping Orca Cola spiked with elf blood, the way Nuffle intended. Biggan Ugly isn't enjoying his offseason quite as much - big oaf went and broke his hip last match. The word is he's gonna retire for good, but we'll see. They ain't let ME retire yet. Something about the stories being way better coming from an inside orc, and I seem to be the only one in the team who knows which end of the pen writes...
Anyway, team is still broke, and management is having trouble getting us a sponsor for Bronze league. One way or another they seem set on making us play on. I think it has to do with that idiot troll - they really love that troll. Something about his excellent blocking and work on the line of scrimmage, but I swear all I ever see him do is pick his nose and look hungrily at the refs. There's a reason coach hasn't allowed goblins on this team.
But at least we get some time off. Maybe I can convince coach to let me retire.
Hang on, just got a bulletin. What?!!! Exhibition matches?!!! You gotta be joking!!!
Sigh. It appears my vacation has been cut short. I'm gonna need a stronger drink.
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Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2015 18:57:27 GMT
I was sure Grumpy would meet a grisly end. Nice contrast to see a happy ending in Blood Bowl  But this raises more questions. How did Grumpy pay for his beach house? Did he plunder PDS's meager treasury? Surely his medical bills are astronomically high. |
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Post by parrigan on Apr 18, 2015 18:59:09 GMT
I was sure Grumpy would meet a grisly end. Nice contrast to see a happy ending in Blood Bowl But this raises more questions. How did Grumpy pay for his beach house? Did he plunder PDS's meager treasury? Surely his medical bills are astronomically high. Haha, the ending isn't quite as happy as it at first seemed. Poor Grumpy... |
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Post by parrigan on Apr 22, 2015 16:32:45 GMT
Part the 9th: Exhibition season
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler and General Malcontent Grumpy reporting
Pfft!! Exhibition season!! Ridiculous. I swear Coach is trying to kill us. Me, at least. The rest of these idiots seem to be enjoying themselves, except maybe Biggan Ugly. Just like me, he was sure he going to be able to retire. But the team "medics" patched his smashed hip up as best they could, and he was forced to limp back onto the field... for exhibition matches!
Anyway, on to the reports: 2 matches done, and I've been told there's one more on the horizon if the sponsors can find us a willing opponent.
Exhibition Match A: Purple Doom Skull 3 - 2 Loathsome Angels
This one was atypical for orcs vs. chaos, but I think everyone was just trying to show off for the crowd. Passes all over the place, a few dodges, too, and not much blood. Of course, yours truly spent about half the match on his back, but no one cares about old Grumpy around here, do they? After the match, Coach Parrigan was heard to be holding up the new guys as examples to the rest of us: "Look here, 2 matches, and the new guys are already busting some skulls. Lug, nice work on that beastman. He never saw it coming. And Harry, you nearly killed that chaos warrior. Well done! Now we know why they call you Hamfist. We'll discuss those two passes you threw later..."
The sponsors even got us some decent cash for this one. I hear our training room is gonna be updated: it'll have a roof! But apparenetly we need another 20k for that...
Exhibition Match B: Purple Doom Skull 3 - 0 Jester's Molesters II
At least they rounded up some nice soft flings for us this time... or so we thought til we got onto the pitch and saw three enormous trees waiting for us. Three trees! Is that even allowed? Fortunately everyone came out of this one intact, barring a few bruises caused by flailing branches, and our blitzers have really been honing their skills. JD and the new thrower, Hamfist Harry, threw more passes, much to Coach Parrigan's chagrin, but I think he's becoming resigned to the fact those guys are a couple glory hounds. Really stupid glory hounds, but even so. A few flings got flattened, but our boys weren't too rough with 'em, which I guess is good since it was only exhibition play.
This one was good for a little more cash, too, and now they're working on the locker room roof we were promised. I gotta get out of here; all this hammering is making my poor cracked skull hurt.
Exhibition Match C: Purple Doom Skull 1 - 0 Blackheath Phantoms
Well now this was a friendly little match against some rats. Those guys are fast, but for some reason they had some trouble picking up the ball... It was the strangest thing. Not much excitement in this one: no blood at all, and only one score. So I imagine the fans were a little disappointed. But the good news is your old pal Grumpy survived this exhibition nonsense.
Can I just say Hamfist Harry is my new favorite orc? Dumb as a boulder, but ever since he was added to the squad, I spend a lot less time on the astrogranite and a lot more time drinking Orcade on the sideline. I doubt the rest of these goons would agree, but I say this game is a lot more fun from the bench.
Coach say we're going to be moving up to Bronze before long. I sure hope Harry stays healthy... |
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Post by parrigan on May 11, 2015 14:46:45 GMT
Part the 10th: Bronze
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting
Here I am, stuck on this team of fools for another season. Bronze, eh? Feels more like punishment than an honor, but who asked poor old Grumpy?
Feygrim Executioners 3 - 1 Purple Doom Skull
You're liars, the lot of you! Whoever said elves are soft is an idiot, but not as stupid as the fans who keep voting Eet Yoo MVP. What does that troll ever do besides stand around being useless? Beats me. I do about as much when I'm sitting by the water cooler.
Anyway, this one started off bad with a little prancy woodie knocking out Knucklehead on the very first turn, and that was an omen of things to come. While our boys struggled just to knock an elf over, they were busily sending us to the sideline. Before we knew it, the elves were up 2-0 and the rout was on. It wasn't until the second half that the fellas remembered they were orcs (most of them, anyway) and started bruising elves. Lug put a hurt on a line elf, and yours truly put the boot to another one. After that, an elf broke himself trying to perform one of those fancy dodges, but by then it was too late for PDS to do anything but lose gracefully.
But as you may already know, orcs ain't exactly graceful. Johnny Doom sure thinks he is, though, and Billy Jack was pulling some fancy moves after drinking down some (surely legal) concoction just before game time. The two of them managed to pull out our only TD with, you guessed it, a pass. After the match Coach Parrigan could only sigh and shake his head at Johnny. He seemed to have given up on trying to convince Johnny that orcs don't pass, or dodge; the thrower was once again seen doing both during the match. Instead, Coach just said, "At least we hurt a couple of 'em. I'd say we saved our dignity with that TD at the end, but I think our dignity shriveled up and died a long time ago."
Then he lost control briefly. "Dammit Johnny! Orcs don't pass!"
Johnny nodded.
Da end. |
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Post by parrigan on May 22, 2015 15:40:55 GMT
Part the 11th:
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting
Purple Doom Skull 1 - 0 Blood & Snot!
Well now, that was scary. Harry broke his ribs, Skullykins died, and I got to spend most of the match on the line of scrimmage. And let me tell you, I missed my nice warm spot on the bench.
The stinky nurgles received to start the match, and early on there was just a bunch of pushing and shoving at midfield. Hamfist Harry went down early with broken ribs; he was saved from worse by our apothecary (can't believe it took the team so long to spring for one). A couple turns later, one of the blitzers (Bonegrinder? I can never remember, they all look the same...) saw an opening and blitzed the ball carrier. He knocked it loose and Johnny Doom took over from there. He didn't dodge or pass once, but I think he was contemplating a long bomb toward the end of the half. Later in the half, Skullykins died, and that was bad news for your old pal Grumpy. For Skullykins too, I guess. Anyway, JD held the ball in the backfield and we went into halftime scoreless. Coach Parrigan was heard to praise Johhny for his orc-like play, which is highly irregular.
The second half opened with PDS receiving and yours truly unhappily manning the pitch. Before long we remembered we were orcs and started smashing nasty nurgle heads: soon there were only 6 Blood & Snot players left on the pitch. Johnny plodded his way the length of the field, at one point having to blitz and dodge his way free of traffic (Coach P just shook his head) and finally scored in turn 16 to make it 1-0. Meanwhile, old Grumpy spent the entire half getting knocked over. I hate this game!
After the match, Coach P grumbled about JD's dodge, but said, "No passes at least. I'd like to think this is progress, but somehow I doubt it..." He also told us we'd be getting a new black orc to replace Skullykins, but still no word on a replacement for me.
I hate this game!
Da end.
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Post by parrigan on Jun 8, 2015 20:30:15 GMT
Part the 12th:
Purple Doom Skull Chronicler Grumpy reporting.
Purple Doom Skull 1 - 0 Trink City Royals
Did you see the new guy? Name's Howard, and he may be the smartest black orc I've ever seen: he can successfully string 4 words together. Very impressive.
In other news, your faithful chronicler Grumpy had to play the entire match this week, since Harry decided to take the week off. Turns out it was a good week to have to play, at least: we got some nice soft rats and goblins to fight. They did have one extra big troll. Good thing our boys were too dumb to be scared.
The match started well, with Johnny Doom retrieving the ball deep and slowly forging his way past midfield, protected by our big boys. A few Royals got knocked of the pitch, and things were looking good, when a traitorous wizard blasted JD with a lightning bolt and turned the fort half on its head. Johnny was briefly stunned and a couple fumbles later the Royals were fleeing the other direction, ball in hand. Only a desperate blitz by Lug (hero of the first half) kept the little gobbo out of the end zone. Unfortunately a last ditch effort to score by Mista Grinz failed, and the match went into halftime scoreless.
In the second half Billy Jack took matters in his own hands. When it looked like the underworld team was about to score, he made an impressive dodge-blitz maneuver that ended with an injured goblin and the ball in Billy Jack's hands. On the subsequent turn, he killed another gobbo who had the temerity to charge him, and then he proceeded to run the length of the pitch for the only score of the match.
Following the match, he was awarded a well-deserved MVP and offered this succinct comment regarding his play: "Me good. Me real good."
After watching this match, I can hardly argue.
Da end.
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