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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 3:28:07 GMT
K. Offebrand here, your unsanctioned analyst for all the action the Iron Phoenix Tin and Bones Cup! Starting right here I’ll be bringing you pregame analysis for the Tin League’s most exciting matches. With a little luck I’ll be lending my prophetic insight and staggering charisma to your team’s next match! We'll be examining an upcoming match in group two, where the #4 playoff spot is up for grabs! Howlin’ Prowlers vs. Green Mean Machinez
To sweeten the pot I’ll be placing bounty on the head of at least one player each week, courtesy of everyone’s favorite pompous ass “The Mercenary”. If the gold keeps flowing I’ll handing out death sentences for featured players like candy! Our unlucky winner this week is Machinez blitzer Urul ‘Got Yer Azz’ Oggha, shown below shielding his big green balls with a framed picture of his dear old mother. On to the analysis; An exciting game in the works, but likely not a high scoring one. The real question here is how many limp bodies will be dragged into the dugout! The Prowlers 15 injuries sustained in the last 4 games are a testament to coach Astoner’s reckless disregard for the “lives” of his zombie players. All that AV8 will certainly take a thrashing at the hands of the Machinez black orcs. But who cares about zombies? The real struggle will be protecting those precious lycanthropes. Coach Apolloswill is facing clawed werewolves, a terrifying prospect for any orc, and a rotting tide of replaceable zombies who will foul at every opportunity. The Machines eccentric 2 goblin lineup will return the favor, but will need nuffle’s blessing to get at those Prowler play-makers. Regeneration and a deep bench of zombies will keep the Prowlers at 11 on the pitch for each kickoff. You may be thinking “Why else should I watch this match Offebrand? If I wanted to be shocked by nauseating, colorful bloodshed I’d lock a parrot and a cat in a glass box.” Because! The Green Machinez offensive attack is far more exciting than any parrot vs. cat action! With most orc teams passing is a sure sign of desperation, but for the Machinez its Plan A! It worked on the Platinum Badgers. It worked on Hisss. It kinda sorta worked on ‘Dem Greenskins. With a newly minted strong arm thrower and a catching goblin, we may see a long pass that actually pays off. Expanding on foul play, fans should keep an eye on the Necromantic doping game. Coach Astoner will have 100k in inducement gold to throw around. That’s enough to feed an entire village of hungry children to his zombies! Dropping 60k on a + ST potion for Shake, the Prowlers blocking werewolf, and 40k +AG on Stinky the blodgy ghoul could make for riveting Cabalvision, provided the team alchemist knows what he’s doing of course. The prowlers might opt for an extra reroll, but with a 1-0-3 record, why hold back! Take some risks coach, we'll all be watching! Prediction; 2-1 to the Howlin’ Prowlers
A dirty and gory match for certain, with goblin and zombies fouling every chance they get. I personally guarantee a minimum 6 casualties between both sides. Coach Apolloswill may need to start thinking up quirky nicknames for his replacement player(s) Tune in next week to hear your devastatingly handsome Blood Bowl analyst making uncanny predictions, throwing down bounties, and mocking the mistakes in your replays.
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Post by The Mercenary on Mar 20, 2015 3:38:40 GMT
Pompous Ass..... be careful Knockedup....
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Post by apolloswill on Mar 20, 2015 22:45:06 GMT
Really enjoyed it, Knockoff. Want to see more of these. Of course I hope that as good as you are in writing match analysis, you are as bad in predicting the result .
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Post by apolloswill on Mar 21, 2015 5:31:10 GMT
Didn't enjoy it anymore. Taking away my thumbs up from your post. I don't care how much I enjoy it the first time, right now...oh, man.
You were absolutely right. 2-1. A dead player. Quite the analyst, huh .
Guess I need a new player. Perhaps "Knockoff the Predictions". Yeah. If I have the money, that's what the next orcs nickname is going to be.
You didn't predict my 1 turn TD...HAH
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2015 7:22:03 GMT
K. Offebrand here with a quick Howlin' Prowlers v. Mean Green Machines game recap I promised you a 2-1 finish, and I delivered! I said 6 casualties, and six casualties were had! I predicted necros pumped full of dangerous chemicals, and damned if we didn't see that too! And most exciting of all, A GODDAMN 1 TURN TD FOR THE ORCS!!! Perhaps my only complaint is that the Prowler's zombies stomped the wrong blitzer to death. Now I'm out 100 gps! Who's gonna pay for my next show!?! K. Offebrand endorses this replay wholeheartedly. See you next week update; Deceased Machinez blitzer "Bane Nok" (now a zombie) has received the MVP. Nuffle hates all of us, some more than others apparently
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Post by Squiggy on Mar 23, 2015 0:41:44 GMT
Just out of interest, if a dead guy gets mvp and is raised by oppo necromancer, do they start their zombie career with 5 spp?
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Post by apolloswill on Mar 23, 2015 0:45:20 GMT
Just out of interest, if a dead guy gets mvp and is raised by oppo necromancer, do they start their zombie career with 5 spp? No. I checked. Yeah, I'm going to be stalking the Howlin' Prowlers from now on, making certain MY player do good .
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Post by apolloswill on Mar 29, 2015 4:31:54 GMT
Dear Offebrand.
I really enjoyed your first pregame analysis, and of course some of it might be, that one of the team was my own favorite. But it also gave me some great insight on the oppositions team.
I know you had to have spent quite a bit of time for research, but I hope you will continue, as it really was a very good and enjoyable read. I honestly was checking in often, to see if another game had been posted by you.
- a fan
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 8:05:02 GMT
Dear Offebrand. I really enjoyed your first pregame analysis, and of course some of it might be, that one of the team was my own favorite. But it also gave me some great insight on the oppositions team. I know you had to have spent quite a bit of time for research, but I hope you will continue, as it really was a very good and enjoyable read. I honestly was checking in often, to see if another game had been posted by you. - a fan K. Offebrand here responding to a comment from a starstruck fan of my show I'll be back my friend . A hectic week may have stalled my brilliant sportscast program, but rest assured I will return with more jaw-dropping wisdom and uncanny predictions. Tune in next week when I cover a match for the record books in Division 4 AvenOgres Assemble vs. Better Than Dwarves I spent spring break with my family and had very little free time this week. I really appreciate the kind words apolloswill
...and I shall return!
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Post by apolloswill on Mar 29, 2015 8:19:50 GMT
Enjoy your break and the time with the family. Looking forward to the next write-up, with an amazing pick for teams. Perhaps the mystery on how that ogre team is so successful can be solved .
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2015 23:41:55 GMT
K. Offebrand here with another unsanctioned episode in the battle for the season ten Tin and Bones Cup I know my huge audience of adoring fans was waiting with bated breath to her my MD7 pre-game analysis. Alas, it was not to be! All manner of boring technical issues with by broadcasting hardware arose this week, keeping you, my much beloved audience, from hearing my astonishingly accurate predictions for how the Div4 game Avenogres Assemble vs. Better Than Dwarves would go down. Rest assured, I feel your frustration, and have taken measures to ensure this never happens again! The pre-game show's chief director of broadcasting has been sewn into a burlap sack and tossed unceremoniously into the Reik River. Fans lucky enough to reside near my broadcast station in Altdorf are encouraged to head outside, where that bloody idiot may still be bobbing around somewhere. Anyway, this week we'll all have to settle for a post game report Fouls, fouls, and yet more Fouls! These are always my favorite games to cover. A swiftly dwindling number of viable players, or just the desperation innate to snotlings, had both sides desperately trying to outstomp each other. Predictably, The sneaky runts got the best of those prancing dark elves, but only after over a dozen total fouls, three ejections, and three expended bribes between the two teams. We spoke to longtime Tin Cup referee, "Stripey" Jumjak, about his plans to spend the 300,000 gold pieces in bribes he acquired. Offebrand; So Stripey, we understand that after ejecting two dark elves and reneging on one of coach Charliebanks' bribes, you have received over 50 death threats from fans on both sides. And in just two days! Tell our audience, just where are you planning to flee with your vast new found wealth? Stripey; If I tell oomans bout the hidey hole, they get me there. Offebrand; Mmmhmm. yes, yes. I noted in the second half, when the crowd was baying for your blood, chanting "Get the ref! Get the ref!" You seemed well and truly cowed by the outrage. But not a few minutes later you took an AvenOgre bribe and ejected an Agent of Shield anyway! Why wasn't the money enough? Stripey; Not my fault! Elfs said I don't eject snots, they turn me into a belt! K. Offebrand; Ah. Finally, how do you plan on spending your newly acquired 300,000 Gps fortune? Stripey; More life insurance. Also, save some for law school Unfortunately we had to cut our interview short when an angry mob began to form outside our offices. If you would like to ask Stripey Jumjak your own questions, or just want a glimpse at his vast, virtually unprotected fortune, we'll be publishing his address in tomorrow's Reikland Times. Tune in next week when I will publish my playoff bracket, issue more bounties, and cover the most exciting upcoming matches K. Offebrand, signing off
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Post by apolloswill on Apr 3, 2015 0:29:03 GMT
This was frigging awesome and just what i needed after a rough day. Thank you, man.
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Post by Dragonvisper on Apr 3, 2015 7:59:58 GMT
so nice and so funny;)
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Post by Squiggy on Apr 3, 2015 9:48:05 GMT
It was such a weird game. Both teams scored on one unlucky roll, yet there was no cursing, we were too busy having a laugh and winding each other up. Over a dozen fouls, mostly gang fouls and mostly after the apocs were used, yet we were both laughing about it, vowing revenge, cursing the ref...hard game, very very brutal, but played in the spirit of the game and with full respect for the opponent (though not for his players...) Win lose or draw this is how blood bowl should be, I just wish ppl could have seen the chat between Charlie and I :-) just watching the game makes it look like a grudge match and that we were both out to kill rather than win, which is....actually partially true! Of course Charlie's 57/62 pass rate for bonehead rolls helped...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2015 12:44:43 GMT
K. Offebrand here, back again to ring in the Season 10 playoffs with unbelievably generous, undeserved gift for my lowlife gambling fans.
All the Results in Advance Can't see that image? Offebrand is fixing it . until then, look hereThat's right folks. In my boundless generosity, I have decided to rescue all the hapless gamblers in my audience from their idiot selves. No longer shall you shuffle pathetically between your squalid tenements and the betting dens! Your bad habit is about you make you fabulously wealthy, and all you have to do is follow my advice exactly as I have given it to you. I have placed great emphasis that you should follow my lead exactly as it appears, because if I give you any measure of leeway, you sorry amateurs will almost certainly screw up, and be locked in a debtor's prison before the end of the week.
What's that? You doubt my uncanny foresight? Well doubt no longer, simpleton! My close personal friend, Coach Knockoff, managed to rocket his way from total squalor to the #1 richest gambler in the Tin League in just one season by following my advice. If I can manage to save that idiot, there should be no doubt You can turn your hard luck around with this bracket. Anyway... we'll move away from the ugly business of making money hand over fist to a more interesting summary of the bracket. Lets cut to the chase. Why didn't I pick the either of the top 2 squads (Blood & Snot!, Disney Kickin Ass) to reach the final? Because.... A; Blood&Snot has allowed their team value to bloat way, way up to 1570! Our sorcery correspondent Kadabra Zappwond reports that B&S' prospective opponents are bringing in wizards and alchemists by the cartload. Any coach willing to risk so many fireballs has grossly overestimated his team, and cannot last long in this competitive environment. The shit dressing on that garbage salad is that the skills contributing to this enormous bloat are mildly useful at best. Such is the nature of low tv chaos So we here at the Pre-Game Show are reaching out to coach Mercyflush. Are you planning on skipping straight to Iron Crown next season? Why do you need 14 players Mercy? How much fouling are you planning on doing?!? I promise I won't tell knockoff. B; The Disney girls face an unfortunate schedule after week 1. After a high price win against "14 Things" in week two, the ladies remaining players will be torn asunder by their week 3 opponents. Possible match ups include; 1 Chaos Dwarfs, 2 Ogres, or 3 Norse. When I hear that list I think three things; tackle, mighty blow, and fouls. BaltimOrk will cruise through the first week and prove too developed and/or well coached to stop for anyone in the way. The Seasaw Chwarfs have an easy schedule of poor AV bash teams after week 1 So there you have it! All the excitement and magic of the playoffs reduced to a sterile, uniform analysis based on logic. Its so exciting I may start to cry.But this is Blood Bowl! With everything to lose, offerings to Nuffle will be at an all time high! Treasuries will be emptied and franchises will meet horrific ends! Now get out there and cause an upset! K. Offebrand signing off. I'll see you all shortly when I throw down bounties and predictions for the upcoming mirror match; AvenOgres Assemble! vs. East Bay Raiders
Care to complain that about you dismal projections? Feel free to comment and i'll let you know exactly why you're about to lose
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