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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2015 18:56:45 GMT
K. Offebrand here, returning from my brief hiatus and back to the Iron Phoenix airwaves to profile one of my favorite Bronze Shield teams, the Platinum BadgersBefore we get to the heart-stopping action and exclusive interviews, the Badgers requested I recount a brief history of their team. Normally I avoid this sort of boiler plate like Nurgle’s Rot, but the dwarfs issued some very persuasive death threats, so buckle up! The Furymusk Clan of Karak Dordrun founded the team from within their own ranks in 2519, claiming that dwarfs were tragically underrepresented on the Blood Bowl pitch. That same year the Platinum Badgers constructed their home stadium, Furymusk Park, at the base of the mountain stronghold. Unbeknownst to the dwarfs, the park was constructed atop the historic mating grounds of the local Dordrun Badgers. These fearsome creatures, standing 6 ft at the shoulder and hued an unnatural metallic shade, take to the pitch during the spring season, clawing, fornicating, and reeking of pheromones. The Badgers have a nasty habit of interrupting home games and creating a great mess of the place, a fact that has spiked spring ticket sales. The dwarfs now lace their hair with the eye-watering glandular juices of slain female badgers before their games, apparently to attract more of the creatures. After a mediocre season in last year’s Tin League, the Badgers have returned with great ambitions an overhauled staff, including the team’s new mascot... Stinky, the Platinum Badger Honey is at the tender age of 2 winters and weighs only 250 lbs, but her handler, Thadrud Furymusk claims she grows more aggressive every day, and it won't be long before rookie slayers fight her for a place on the team. So stay tuned, as I will be bring match reports for the Platinum Badgers throughout Bronze Shield season 8, and look for my extensive coverage of the upcoming Immortal Throne Final at the behest of our illustrious admins. Next up, a post mortem on the team's victory in Blood&Snot! vs. Platinum BadgersK. Offebrand signing off, drink Goatarade.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 22:51:45 GMT
K. Offebrand here, back once again to grant you a brief respite from your hum drum existences. So drop your manure shovels and huddle close to the nearest Cabalvision projector, because I have a good'un to report! The powers at be here in Iron Phoenix have been generous enough to supply me with a vast arsenal of new broadcast equipment. My staff and I have been chomping at the bit for an opportunity to mesmerize the local simpletons with our glitzy new high value gear, and the recent Bronze Shield match... Platinum Badgers vs. Blood&Snot!
For the purpose of these team showcase, our production office has constructed a crane over Furymusk park, from which we dangle our talented new goblin photographer, Schnoz Klikbait! Introduce yourself Schnoz!Schnoz: I am unpayed intern. Working conditions is deplorable.Hahaha, shut the hell up Shnoz! Now without further ado we will debut our new segment, The Lowlight Reel, where we showcase the most embarrassing moments of the match. Here in our studio to help provide commentary is star Platinum Badgers runner, Drozi Furymusk.Drozi: Great to be here Offebrand, nice to see you covering a team with some talent.Alright lets get started with our first lowlight.K. Offebrand; Now Drozi, this was the first of two failed passes between both teams, why do think the passing went so poorly?Drozi; The first half saw B&S! recieving. We figure those ugly bastards must'uve leaked their juices all over the ball! I had to wash my hands for the first time in years after the game!K. Offebrand; Now Drozi, this is actually the first of two times you were narrowly kept out of the end-zone. Your pictured here, glowering up at Schnoz just as the first half ended. Any comment on Randolph T. Cunnigham (also pictured)Drozi; Is that the same goblin with the camera?!?Drozi hurls his chair, Schnoz cries in painDrozi; Anyway, that dodgy git may have wrestled me down, but I jammed a screwdriver in his eye when he got me!K. Offebrand; The Badgers seemed unusually hasty to score after receiving in the second half, ultimately leading to you taking a nasty fall in the endzone. So Drozi, why where you in such a rush, and where is your head in this picture?Drozi; The other Badgers were much to busy punching to keep up Offebrand! And as for my head, our apothecary said my bald spot was four inches from my arse. I could see those Nurgle gits gettin' smashed up for just a sec, Hahahaha!K. Offebrand; Finally, we have promising Nurgle rookie Goat Boy having his skull crushed by Skalsin Furymusk. Any words to commemorate the life of this inspiring player?Drozi; I saw Goat Boy go down from the other side of the field. The sound of him voiding his lifeless bowels felt like a fitting end to his pitiful life. Good Riddance!Last one! Drakring Furymusk, who broke his neck last season leaving him with all the ball handling ability of a hippopotamus, catches a bouncing ball and walks in for the game's only TD! Even those sneaky Nurglings fouling a the end of the game couldn't dampen the spirits of the Badgers after this one! Platinum Badgers win 1-0!!! Congrats to you Drozi, we hope to see you again soonGoodnight everybody!!!
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Post by Ren Höek on May 21, 2015 23:59:59 GMT
Great stuff! Made my evening brighter!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2015 22:06:04 GMT
We're back for another go! That's right! I have returned from yet another hiatus to bring you the next installment in the Platinum Badger's march to the Bronze Shield final. You're illustrious commentator and analyst K. Offebrand here, bringing you the excitement of Blood Bowl with all the flash and glamour this medium has to offer. Much has changed around the Bronze Shield league since we last visited its sole dwarf team. Only 3 undefeated teams remain, including the magnificent Platinum Badgers!, and two other bums not worth a mention. Their meteoric rise to an adjacent-the-top 3-1-0 record has brought the smelly dwarfs through three stunning rematches from last year's Tin Cup. All three teams were unmercifully stomped back into line by the vengeful runts, and the team shows no sign of slowing down. Today we take a look at the Badgers most recent rematch victory in...
Platinum Badgers vs. Purple Doom Skull Round 2
The teeming hordes that make up the K. Offebrand fanbase know me as a bold innovator, always on the cutting edge of broadcast science and technology. Not wanting to undercut the staggering expectations you cretins hold for me, I have once again broken new ground! I have devised a gimmick so outlandish and remarkable, you slack jawed idiots will be stunned silent for weeks by the brilliance of my work!!!! I strapped 31 cameras to a troll. You may be thinking "What Offebrand? You put Cabalvision cameras on a troll?!? Is this all the creativity you could muster?"
Yes, I know. To the many simpletons out there with no appreciation for the high art of troll-camming* (a term of my own invention) it may sound a little silly. But behold! and enjoy these stunning visuals in troll-definition, while you feast on your own words! So without further ado... Meet Eet Yoo, PDS's most experienced and popular player. My production office minions strapped about 20 lbs of expensive equipment to this fat lug to give us an up close view of the action. We attempted a similar scheme on some of the dwarfs, but the view from down there is abysmal. Foot-cam!Deviants can look elsewhere, its not that kind of foot-cam! This foot camera is used only to record wholesome, family safe violence, and apparently some troll upskirt as well! Here we see Badgers runner Drozi finishing up an incredible play after slipping around a black orc and punching an orc throwers lights out. The orcs attempted to bury the slippery git under a pile of angry green fists, but Drozi escapes with elf-like antics as Eet looks on from the dirt.
I do wish this git would stand up though. The view is rather disappointing from this angle Helmet-cam!Hmmmmm....Here we see Eet keenly surveying the pitch from his commanding vantage point over the pitch, or whatever. Bah, is he going to be standing for any of these shots?!? maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. Shoulder-cam!Well this didn't work at all! Eet appears to be hungrily eyeing the ref, onca again from the ground! Why did I think this was a good idea!? anyway... Badgers win 1-0Drozi the elf-esque runner carries the day after dodging around, stealing the ball, shooting out of cages toward the end zone, and being a general thorn in the Doom Skull's side. The failed orc pass for the equalizer failed in spectacular fashion.
My Troll-cam ploy has failed miserably and I'm heading back to the drawing board for a new stratagem that will do the undefeated Platinum Badgers justice. Tune in next week when the Badgers take on everyone's favorite Super HerOgres, AvenOgres Assemble!
Your newly humbled analyst, K. Offebrand, signing off.
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Post by apolloswill on Sept 13, 2015 23:57:56 GMT
I somehow missed that above post. Good reading as always. Really wish Offebrand could give up his day job, and just keep commentary. As always Knockoff...amazing stuff.
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