Chaos Cup Day 1: 'the Fury of the Neckbeard'
May 20, 2015 22:48:42 GMT
Kaiser, Ren Höek, and 5 more like this
Post by luster on May 20, 2015 22:48:42 GMT
Match Report: Scoundrels of Slannesh (Shaunuthun) VS (Luster) Nuffle's Neckbeards.
A false sun burned down upon the field, lighting the pitch up in garish technicolour and casting strange and distorted shadows, which turned to mock their mortal owners. The field was lit up by a fiery red psychedelic orb, and it seemed that even the dirt was colored like blood. An omen of things to come, no doubt, but what could it mean? Was it the work of Slaneesh, or was it the mysterious new Chaos deity known only as ‘Milady’?
The moment the ball was struck, the crowd erupted in wanton malady. The Neckbeard fans were badly outnumbered, and the crowd began to hiss ominously as Milady’s smug servants secured the ball. The masses were against them, and that was just the way the Neckbeards liked it! Nero, the Neckbeard’s bull centaur captain, flashed his yellow teeth as a plan began to hatch. The crowd were vicious, and beginning to express their violent excitement indiscriminately. Perhaps he could ‘persuade’ a few of the Scoundrels to join their fans in the stands!
Wagner, the other centaur, led a charge down the Scoundrel’s right flank. At first it was absorbed with neither side gaining an advantage, but Fedora Neckbeard made a risky chain push to spill the first beastman into the crowd. Wagner followed up, spilling a second hapless beast to meet the fans. Strangely, the spectators chose not to harm any of the beasts, perhaps wary of Slaneesh’s wrath. The Neckbeards were starting to gain an advantage in numbers, but the Scoundrels responded in kind, ramming Wagner into to crowd as well! Libertarian Neckbeard was ordered to create some space but was unwilling to consider the needs of the team. Consumed with self-interest, he failed to co-operate with his teammates and failed an easy block. The Neckbeard cage was starting to weaken!
The Neckbeards could feel the silken noose of Slaneesh curling around their bearded necks. The cage had to be cleared or they’d soon be choked out of the game! Atheist led the charge, pushing yet another beast into the stands. Virgin followed up with an angry assault on another beast’s face, gouging him in the eye! Filled with confidence, Smug Neckbeard decided it was time to earn Milady’s favour. With a triumphant yelp, he knocked open the visor of the Chaos warrior, Thrilled Tristian, shoved the spiked ball down his throat, and yanked down the hatch! Tristian staggered backwards, gasping in unforseen delight as Smug pounded his helmet again and again. The helmet finally popped open with a neat ‘ping’, and the ball slid out into Smug’s eager hands. Tristian had asphyxiated himself ludicrously for the amusement of Slaneesh!
A cunning chain push by Nero helped Smug free from the remaining Chaos defenders, and another beast was sent tumbling into the crowd. Again, the Slaneeshi fans let him off easy, with only a few backhand slaps. A final berserker charge by Rambunctious Riley and Euphoric Elroy was unable to stop Smug, and he pranced haughtily over the touch line to score at the end of the first half, tipping his fedora all the way.
Elroy opened the second half drive for the Scoundrels with a lacklustre block against Virgin, opening the door for a Neckbeard counter-attack to seize the ball. The bearded ones cleared the area and Wagner stomped through to collect. However, the ball was clearly possessed by a host of Slaneeshi demons, clearly awoken by Tristian’s earlier sacrifice. It tumbled out of his hands and through the flailing paws of at least four different players, slipping free each time, before resting near a fallen beastman.
Whispering prayers to Milady, the Neckbeards cleared the ball again, but again the demonic pigskin wriggled free of Wagner’s clammy hands! Captain Nero decided to take charge of the assault, clearing the ball a final time and scooping up the ball and holding it tightly to his chest, thanking Milady for showing mercy. A wild kamikaze charge by Kinky Klaire came close to spilling the ball but Nero was under Milady’s favour, and no foul beast could touch him. As he trotted gracefully to the touchline, he glanced back, and saw Milady’s followers stomping the few remaining Scoundrels into the dirt with a series of brutal fouls. He wiped a greasy tear from his prickly chin and realised that truly, this must be what Milady wanted all along. ‘Nice guys finished last’, in blood bowl and in love, he mused. Smug superiority and resentful aggression were the way of the Neckbeard, and they would surely win Milady’s heart in time!
Yet far, far above, in the realm of the Gods, Slaneesh smiled, for she knew that Milady was simply another name, another form that she sometimes liked to wear like some fine garment, and that all of the players were simply her pawns…
Final score:
Nuffle’s Neckbeards: 2
Casualties inflicted: 1 death, 1 MNG, 1 BH
Scoundrels of Slaneesh: 0
Casualties inflicted: none
A false sun burned down upon the field, lighting the pitch up in garish technicolour and casting strange and distorted shadows, which turned to mock their mortal owners. The field was lit up by a fiery red psychedelic orb, and it seemed that even the dirt was colored like blood. An omen of things to come, no doubt, but what could it mean? Was it the work of Slaneesh, or was it the mysterious new Chaos deity known only as ‘Milady’?
The moment the ball was struck, the crowd erupted in wanton malady. The Neckbeard fans were badly outnumbered, and the crowd began to hiss ominously as Milady’s smug servants secured the ball. The masses were against them, and that was just the way the Neckbeards liked it! Nero, the Neckbeard’s bull centaur captain, flashed his yellow teeth as a plan began to hatch. The crowd were vicious, and beginning to express their violent excitement indiscriminately. Perhaps he could ‘persuade’ a few of the Scoundrels to join their fans in the stands!
Wagner, the other centaur, led a charge down the Scoundrel’s right flank. At first it was absorbed with neither side gaining an advantage, but Fedora Neckbeard made a risky chain push to spill the first beastman into the crowd. Wagner followed up, spilling a second hapless beast to meet the fans. Strangely, the spectators chose not to harm any of the beasts, perhaps wary of Slaneesh’s wrath. The Neckbeards were starting to gain an advantage in numbers, but the Scoundrels responded in kind, ramming Wagner into to crowd as well! Libertarian Neckbeard was ordered to create some space but was unwilling to consider the needs of the team. Consumed with self-interest, he failed to co-operate with his teammates and failed an easy block. The Neckbeard cage was starting to weaken!
The Neckbeards could feel the silken noose of Slaneesh curling around their bearded necks. The cage had to be cleared or they’d soon be choked out of the game! Atheist led the charge, pushing yet another beast into the stands. Virgin followed up with an angry assault on another beast’s face, gouging him in the eye! Filled with confidence, Smug Neckbeard decided it was time to earn Milady’s favour. With a triumphant yelp, he knocked open the visor of the Chaos warrior, Thrilled Tristian, shoved the spiked ball down his throat, and yanked down the hatch! Tristian staggered backwards, gasping in unforseen delight as Smug pounded his helmet again and again. The helmet finally popped open with a neat ‘ping’, and the ball slid out into Smug’s eager hands. Tristian had asphyxiated himself ludicrously for the amusement of Slaneesh!
A cunning chain push by Nero helped Smug free from the remaining Chaos defenders, and another beast was sent tumbling into the crowd. Again, the Slaneeshi fans let him off easy, with only a few backhand slaps. A final berserker charge by Rambunctious Riley and Euphoric Elroy was unable to stop Smug, and he pranced haughtily over the touch line to score at the end of the first half, tipping his fedora all the way.
Elroy opened the second half drive for the Scoundrels with a lacklustre block against Virgin, opening the door for a Neckbeard counter-attack to seize the ball. The bearded ones cleared the area and Wagner stomped through to collect. However, the ball was clearly possessed by a host of Slaneeshi demons, clearly awoken by Tristian’s earlier sacrifice. It tumbled out of his hands and through the flailing paws of at least four different players, slipping free each time, before resting near a fallen beastman.
Whispering prayers to Milady, the Neckbeards cleared the ball again, but again the demonic pigskin wriggled free of Wagner’s clammy hands! Captain Nero decided to take charge of the assault, clearing the ball a final time and scooping up the ball and holding it tightly to his chest, thanking Milady for showing mercy. A wild kamikaze charge by Kinky Klaire came close to spilling the ball but Nero was under Milady’s favour, and no foul beast could touch him. As he trotted gracefully to the touchline, he glanced back, and saw Milady’s followers stomping the few remaining Scoundrels into the dirt with a series of brutal fouls. He wiped a greasy tear from his prickly chin and realised that truly, this must be what Milady wanted all along. ‘Nice guys finished last’, in blood bowl and in love, he mused. Smug superiority and resentful aggression were the way of the Neckbeard, and they would surely win Milady’s heart in time!
Yet far, far above, in the realm of the Gods, Slaneesh smiled, for she knew that Milady was simply another name, another form that she sometimes liked to wear like some fine garment, and that all of the players were simply her pawns…
Final score:
Nuffle’s Neckbeards: 2
Casualties inflicted: 1 death, 1 MNG, 1 BH
Scoundrels of Slaneesh: 0
Casualties inflicted: none