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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2015 21:19:52 GMT
Is this thing on? oh...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled dreary lives to bring you breaking news.
I, K. Offebrand, am returning to the airwaves with brilliant Blood Bowl commentary once again! All the stellar analysis you became hopelessly addicted to in season 10 of the Tin and Bones Cup is returning very soon!
Stay tuned to catch IP's preeminent media kingpin blast you right in the eardrums with coverage of Tin, Immortal, and much more. The weekly bounties, angry tirades, and player spotlight features you know and love are returning, all right here!
Coming soon...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2015 23:37:15 GMT
K. Offebrand here, your unsanctioned analyst for all things Blood Bowl related here at the greatest league on turf, Iron Phoenix!
Loyal fans of the show from before the recent hiatus know the drill, but for the new listeners who have yet to get hooked, I will explain how things work.
Every week I will give a rundown of the weeks most exciting upcoming match and predict the results with preternatural accuracy. In addition to the spot on analysis only one as talented as I can provide, the studio features player spotlights as well! After a brief interview and photo-op with the most promising talent from each side, I will put bounties on each of their heads in hopes that we will see them brutally maimed or killed for your viewing pleasure!
Featured players who survive to the end of the season will be eligible for the Least Terrible Rookie Award, which will be determined by inscrutable criteria I have devised personally, and comes with a hefty reward in Gold.
So to kickoff our glorious program's illustrious second take, I present an exciting upcoming match from the twelfth season of the Tin & Bones Cup
***Currency Crushaz Casino vs. Dirty Dozen Dwarves***
Too much alliteration already right? But don't hold your breath, it will only get more asinine from here.
The Dirty Dozen Dwarves are a brutal pack of (11?) murderers! These dangerous psychopaths have disguised their true nature with adorable nicknames, but as their MD1 opponents recently learned, the Dirty Dozen are the sort of vile bastards I expect to see topping the casualty stats at the end of the season. Rumors abound that the team killed their mysteriously absent 12th player for a cheap larf, explaining the silly misnomer.
Currency Crushaz Casino limped into the Tin Cup from the charnel house that is Cripple Cup, and show no sign of improving on their dismal past performance thus far. These greedy little gits took a savage and well deserved thrashing last week, and I think we all hope to see their run of poor luck continue through MD2.
You may think I sound a little un-objective here because of my well known crushing debt to that damn dice hall, but I assure you I am a the picture of professional detachment, Go Dwarves!
On to the Analysis... The Casino will only be to bribe the ref with a paltry 50,000 gold they are receiving from the tight fisted league commissioners, and I foresee them committing it to keeping fanatic Shilver Coins on the pitch. This ball swinger is the only decent player on the pitiful roster, and any hope the goblins have is pinned on him seeing as much action as possible.
The team's resident saw wielder is destined to play only a few short but bloody turns. If this guy is smart, which I doubt, he will spend his time fouling downed players from the relative safety found behind trolls. More likely this imbecile will charge into the dwarf ranks and be caught with his pants down when his saw glances off that thick armor. Either way, this fella is headed to meet his friends in the casualty box!
Ultimately this match comes down to if the goblins can bamboozle the dwarves out of punching them with Risky Playz(TM) and bomb slinging, chainsawing antics! will it work? Probably not, but it should make for a good watch!
So I ask you coach Shaunuthun, do ya feel lucky?!?
Bounties of the Week!!! One hundred gold pieces from my personal treasury to the man who can kill these players, with partial gold for permanent injuries! The Mercenary appears to be long dead, thank Nuffle, so I will dole out the gold personally
Our first spotlight of the new season falls on DDD blocker, Loving Luthor! After just one game this beardy SOB has emerged as one of the most promising young talents in season 12. We asked Luthor to explain his role within the team.
Luthor; I like to think its all about team work. If them other guys are tryin to kill stuff, somebody got to hold the stuff down. That's why I'm the most important player on the team, cuz teamwork
Offebrand; Your selflessness is inspiring Luthor, now could you tell us how you acquired your nickname?
Luthor; They gave it too me when I beat a skink to death with another skink in a youth league. Coach says it's Eye-ronical or somfin.
Offebrand; Well best of luck survivng the hit I just put on you. Perhaps you will live long enough to see the Least Terrible Rookie Award ceremonies.
Next Up
Fruger the Janitor? why not pick a badass secret weapon?
Because, voice in my head, you get so precious few opportunities to kill those things before they get sent off! That and a player with a little talent to go with his hardware makes it trickier to take that sweet bounty gold out of my pocket. Unfortunatly our interview didn't last long due to, *ehem*, technical difficulties.
Offebrand; So Furger, any word if Bogin will give me a little more time on that gold?
Fruger; mmmm, no.
Offebrand; Youlittlesonofabitch!!! Get out of my @*#$%*^ studio!
So you heard it folks, 100 gold to any sap who can kill either of these players at any point during the season! Both players are now eligible for the Least Terrible Rookie Award----------------------------------------------------------
After a total of 6 casualties and a smattering of ejections, I have determined the game shall end thusly. Dirty Dozen Dwarves 3-1 Currency Crushaz Casino
I have spoken! Consider yourself enlightened!!! K. Offebrand, signing off for now.
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Post by shaunuthun on Jul 31, 2015 0:30:07 GMT
Ah Mr Offebrand how nice of you to show up. I thought I saw you in the casino earlier. Yes you seemed awfully interested in the Nurgle cheerleaders at the bar you dirty dog you(You do know they got DISEASES!). Bogin of course asked me to ask you if you know why on earth the Casino crew have been put in the group with as he so elegantly put it "Ard as nails boyz with da tentacles, Lizzies and armour wen da Aflins are in with a bunch Uv Pointy Eers nd Girlies!" Though I doubt you know why that is either so instead I'll answer your question:
"So I ask you coach Shaunuthun, do ya feel lucky?!?"
In a word. No. But I do feel stupid and that's a hell of a lot worse!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 5:13:52 GMT
Your unsanctioned analyst, K. Offebrand here once again to offer you piercing insight into this season's Tin Cup playoffs. I humbly apologize for depriving you of my presence over these last few days. Unfortunately I was preoccupied with the finalization of my 6th divorce. But the past is in the past my friends! Lets move on to the buzz surrounding recent developments at Iron Phoenix. As your one and only, and certainly most favorite unsanctioned analyst I tend to look down on those peons slaving away under the man's heel. These misbegotten hacks leave a bad taste in my mouth, as I'm sure my loyal listeners will agree. But every so often one of these plebeians will scratch the threshold of adequacy and shock us all, including rarely surprised men like myself. The folks doing PR for the Reikland Semipro League (or Random Skill League, or whatever) have caught my eye with their strangely palatable analysis. These fellows are doing a swell job despite the powers-at-be's vice grip on their shriveled scrotums, and so I have decided to give them a modest endorsement. So I hereby recommend you take a look at the RSL coverage as it appears in the following weeks, if you aren't to busy listening to me. Congrats to Mr. McSquiggington on achieving a distant second place in the game to yours truly. Now that I'm done being charitable, its time to take a look at our featured match for round 1 of the Tin playoffs!!! Orkztown Smasha's vs. Sandvich Make Me StronkWhat a couple of shite teams, right? Each squad sports only a single player worthy of even my mockery.Both teams were fortunate to fail upwards until landing in the playoffs. One, and I won’t say which, did so purely by virtue of being orcs. As for the other… I’m really not sure! Perhaps our commissioner has a thing for naked dudes.So why cover this clash of the scrubs? Two reasons; voice in my headDid you see Sandvich's last match?! the last orcs to cross this sorry lot won't be playing much Blood Bowl anytime soon. Mostly because its very difficult to play Blood Bowl in a hospital gurney. Also this match will see the return of one of my favorite dirtbags at IP, referee Stripey Jumjak. This miserable little wretch collected 300,000 gold in bribes when he last officiated a match in season 10, and has returned after squandering his money on, I don't know... something trivial probably. As I'm sure you have guessed fouls and bribery will be key in this match, and the direction this match will take may depend on how alert this little green turd is on the pitch.Moving On!This match's bounties are easy to guess, as everyone else seems to be utter rubbish.Smasha's Blitzer "Rakoth Longnailz" On of only three Smashas to have found his way into the endzone, this ugly green git is alone responsible for his team's modest success. He will do all the punching. He will do all the scoring. If the norsemen are to have any hope at all they will have him removed from the pitch by shovel.Not really an interesting player, but I want to see him dead all the same! 100 Gps for his head! half for a serious injury.Sandvich Lineman "Nom"The Stronk boys may be a garbage team, but I like the cut of this guy's jib! Team Sandvich will definitely induce a bribe, making the all important dirty player the sole hope for victory for these beleaguered Norsemen. KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM!!! 100 Gps to the whoever slays him!
Final Call; Smasha's win 2-1Unless that yati and dirty player are reall on point, the orcs will just cruise over their mangled bodies. I predict overtime, which lends itself to the guys who wont fall down and shatter like glass. Murderous shenanigans are the real reason to watch this match!
K. Offebrand, your unsanctioned analyst, signing off
Drink Goaterade
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 2:26:17 GMT
Greetings once again from our studio in scenic downtown Altdorf, I’m K. Offebrand, returning to the airwaves with the blistering Blood Bowl insight you just can’t face life without. I know most of you listening have spent these last 2 months pulling your hair out, half-mad with anxiety wondering what became of this most beloved program. The sad truth is the better part of my staff have been striking over the “Barbarous working conditions” and “Starvation wages”, and yes even “Constant sadistic abuse from management”. Obviously I wasn’t going to change any of those things, I mean, can you imagine? So after a long legal battle, and then a short actual battle, we’ve removed the troublesome elements from the payroll. On a related note, in the event that my voice sound s a little odd you can blame my new audio crew, which now consists of the reanimated corpses of my old audio crew. You can trust the kinks will be ironed out by next week devoted listener, mark my words. More to the point, I have officially deigned the IP Tin league to be beneath my unsanctioned genius. In my entire career as the Old World’s most prestigious commentator I have never known one rookie player worth the trouble to brutally kill. Can you even name a team ‘playing’ (and I use the term loosely) down there in the dregs? No you can’t, because if my encyclopedic knowledge of all things Blood Bowl can’t produce one name, you sad stunted peasants might hurt yourself attempting the task. More to the point, I have moved on to cover the far more interest Iron Crown league, where the big boys come to rip each other apart. So I encourage our listeners to tune in for weekly pregame analysis for season 10 of this greatest of tournaments. Moving on! 14 Things T0 Do With Orcs vs. Neorromanticos
The much anticipated rematch from last season of Iron that both coaches were hoping to avoid. Like the last meet, this match will be a very tight race at least through the first half. The teams are evenly matched, but by the end one roster will be much… leaner, but more on that later. Don’t let couch Jounisii’s laughable attempt at an intimating team name fool you, he can actually pass for competent if he strains really hard. Coach Hiru also has some semi-impressive accomplishments, including a couple Iron Crown titles from back when the league was too small and sad for me to notice it. After their last bloodbath these saps have been shuddering in fear at repeating the encounter, but not too scared to make some tactical adjustments. Both coaches are hoping to receive here, no question, Both sides have too many teeth to pass up the first bite. No matter who ends up receiving , onus is on the Thingies to land the telling blows in the first few turns that will ultimately decide the match. There's every chance that the first few blocks will end the match almost before it begins, but I don't buy that for a second. When the Neo’s receive, every single time, that elf/wolf hybrid monstrosity Zarrapastroso comes barreling into the defense’s linebacker pieces and retreats to a half shielded position behind some hulk of a golem. This venturesome party of corpses will be blitzed and then marked mobbed by the larger players on the Chaos roster. Jouni will bring pressure just heavy enough to prevent the elfy escape by the agile wolf and lure the Necros into a rescue effort/brawl, where they will have the edge. Ultimately casualties will decide this one, but the Neo’s have 2 players that can accomplish anything on that front and the coach knows this. With enough pressure on the wolves, Hiru will either be forced to compromise his plans to save them or abandon at least 1 to gangfouls and repeated bludgeoning . This match ends 1-0 in 14 Things favor. Both wolves will leave the pitch prematurely, whether they make it back during this, or even the next match is anybody’s guess. Now for our favorite part. THE BOUNTIES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOLLACK MELANABLANCA
Who else? I hear his name all the time a and for the life of me, I can't understand why you ninnies are afraid of this cupcake. 88 casualties? I maimed that many people on my ride in to work this morning. Wollack has been on death's door for longer than I care to remember and none of you can finish the job. Frankly I'm embarrassed for all of you. He isn't even the best wolf on that team! I don't want to hear the great unwashed cooing about this furball anymore, so 500 gold on his head, half for a solid injury. Finish the job dammit. EAT FOR BREAKFAST
Remember when I put 100 gold on this fella way back in my first season covering Tin? Apparently you don't because that gold is still out there waiting to be scooped up. Seriously, what is your problem IP?!? Are you allergic to gold, or just hoping the big scary killer players will leave you alone if you keeps your heads down? 500 additional gold to the coach with the testicular fortitude to maim this cow. Just look at him! He almost as tempting a target as Wollack! Get it done!
For those of you who don't know who I am and thus weren't at rapt attention, 14 Things T0 Do With Orcs will triumph 1-0
Tune in again next week for more action packed unsanctioned analysis. Offebrand out.
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Post by jounisii on Nov 23, 2015 14:43:42 GMT
Nice to get into the lime light , but... You have ill informed research team there. 14s aren't cowering but anticipating this one. When the pain train finally took off last time, CASes 6-3 in the end including dead AG4 ghoul, Hiru threw in the towel on T15 to avoid going down 3-0. And my chaos boys want some more of that today.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2015 1:34:28 GMT
Mr. Offebrand will be out this week accepting several work related awards. He will return for week 3 of the Iron Crown to cover Gilgameshi Gobbos Inc. vs. Raiders of the High Seas.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 5:06:48 GMT
K. Offebrand here, once again giving you a inside look into the minds of IP's greatest coaches and players. This edition we examine the week 3 match up in Iron Crown Season X. Gilgameshi Gobbos Inc. vs. Raiders of the High Seas
Lets cut right to the chase, shall we? I have publicly expressed my hatred for elves many times. I've done it on this show, I've written it in the memo line of my many, many alimony checks on occasion... hell I even blurt it out when there's a lull in dinner conversation. My point is I don't much care for elves and I'm not afraid to say it, as my audience well knows
But, I'm going to withhold the countless horrible things I have to say about the way elves play Blood Bowl, true though they may be, for this pre-game show. Why you ask? Because these particular elves have shown some nerve atypical of their cowardly kinfolk. The elves are playing the most brutal meat grinder of a regular season this league has ever witnessed, and they haven't so much as called in sick to dodge a match even once! So I salute you, Raiders of the High Seas. Your supremely un-elfy display of stalwart courage is an inspiration to us all, which is more than I can say for those slimey yellow bellies frolicking around in division 1!
They're still probably pretty nervous about this week's showdown though, because IP's foremost underworld team is on the card. The Gilgameshi Gobbos are the most team in the Old World and I fully expect them to prove it in week 3. You may not approve of the drug use, or the unsightly cheerleaders, but their talent is undeniable. In fact these rats are my favorite to take home the Iron Crown this year!
Anyhow, while I think the outcome is all but settled already, the match will make for good viewing for a number of reasons. Most importantly, the underworlders will be short they're second scariest rat and their dirty player, not to mention the rookie thrower they are nurturing. With none of these players likely to be fired and replaced for one match, the Raiders are in great position to thin out all the key components of the Gilgameshi machine. I would dare say the elves only need to take off 2 rats in the first half to tip the scales in their favor, provided they aren't leaving in droves as well.
Naturallythey will accomplish this either by playing dirty, the true hallmark of a great elf team, or by.... well I guess that's their only option. Its still a pretty good option though.
The Gobbos are banking hard on their 'roided up killers thinning the elf ranks for a proper grind, but with half the team's hitters nursing injuries I just can't see it happening. so a 2-1 victory for the elves is my prediction this week.
Bounties
Unfortunately our photography equipment is out of commission this week, probably my intern's fault. So you will just have to take my word that these players actually exist. Hopefully not for long though.
KANE
Oh how I wish you could see this guy with you own eyes... Remind me to throw that intern in a well later. This thing is HUGE! He makes ogre's look scrawny by comparison, and he punches harder than they do too. How can a creature like this possibly be allowed to exist? Obviously the laws of nature aren't enforced so stringently on the Blood Bowl pitch. So anyway, 300 gold on Kane the Troll-Strength blitzer. Alyacaunon Tananmyr
Well you cant see him, and he has one of those elf names nobody bothers to remember, let alone pronounce properly. Just know that he's the only player on the Raiders who can throw a block that will leave a bruise. With all the unarmored rats and goblins scurrying around he should have a field day if not properly dealt with. 100 gold on this fella
And 50 gold on whoever went and wrecked my camera equipment!
2-1 to the Raiders! Offebrand out!
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